It’s been just over two weeks since the Queen of Craft event where the reality of this began to hit me, this new reality of hand sanitizer, social distancing, Zoom video conferences and anxiety. Time has gone weird…feels like longer.
I’m anxious as fuck. I tell my anxiety to chill. We are lucky here, in our yellow house in the country. There are things to do, and it’s easy to stay away from other people and each other when we get one each other’s nerves. The snow is mostly melted away, and we can look forward to spending time outside in the garden. There is baking and sewing and knitting and writing and beer making and napping and reading. Keith has his motorcycle project in the garage. We are getting a taste of what retirement might be like. It’s good.
But there are days when the anxiety doesn’t chill. We are not ready to retire yet; I need to work for at least 7-10 more years. Will there be a brewing job for me when this all settles down? Will there be any job? What is the economic landscape going to look like? Will there be an opportunity to reshape the landscape into something better? Or will we be stuck with the same old same old that doesn’t really work for everyone anymore? What if, what if, what if.
Sshhhhh, I tell the anxiety and make it a cup of tea. All of this is well beyond my control, and no one knows how it’s going to play out over the next month, 6 months, year. Those are the days I just pick up my knitting and watch something goofy on Netflix (thanks Ren for Tiger Kings!)
I made a list of things I can do to occupy my mind during the day, things to distract or meditate on. It was loooooong list with the letters TO DO on the top in big block letters and numbered by importance. It was a stressful list. So many things, too many things! I couldn’t decide what to do, I just knew that I should be DOING SOMETHING.
Indecision and anxiety had me curled up on the couch for a few days, alternating between aimlessly swiping through aimless shit on my iPad and staring out the window. I wallowed. It’s ok that I did…it’s obviously what I needed to do. But it’s not sustainable. I got off the couch.
Now my list has no title, no numbered and ordered bulletin points. I look at it as suggestions, and give myself permission to pick what I feel like doing, and to stop when I don’t feel like doing it anymore. There is no real rush to complete anything in a day. Well, except for my photo a day blog. This has mutated into a gratitude blog, sorta kinda. It’s a work in progress.
I’m in the green room listening to it rain on the roof. It’s still a bit too chilly to use, but not if I’m layered up with a fuzzy blanket and fingerless mitts, and have the heater turned up high. There’s been a few rumbles of thunder, deep enough to make the windows rattle. The cats are unsettled by it but it makes me smile for a reason I can’t explain. There is birdsong from the back yard; blue jays, red-winged blackbirds, sparrows, and the occasional crow. Winter is over, the last of the snow is melting away.
Delights: many, Happiness: mellow.